Partying in the Piddly Diddly Department
by Once in a blue moon
Summary: Third set of entries up Georgia's third-and-a-half diary. All the usuals - Angus' sex kitten, Dave the Laugh, the Sex God, Radio Jas, and of course produce!
1. A Note from Georgia

Hello there, fanfic-like chums!  
  
For those of you who are not American, you may not get this dandy little letter at the beginning of the book and an equally hilarious glossary at the back. Feeling a bit jealous now, Europeans? Anyway, I've decided that, for everyone's benefit, this lovely little letter would be enclosed.  
  
So! Ummm... here it is! Ta dah! Whoosh! Bang! Flash! Snap! Crackle! Pop!  
  
The third and a half part of my diary! I hope you like it as much as Angus, Thongs + FFS, On the Bright Side, I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God (I find it fascinating that in the UK, the title is It's OK, I'm Wearing Really Big Knickers! They seemed to think Americans wouldn't know what knickers were. I really love you. I really do.), and Knocked Out by My Nunga-Nungas! It actually occurs right after the first chappy in the fourth book (for any of you who have read the darling little preview for my next diary). Since I'm not quite clear on what I wrote in the fourth book yet (I normally have to read over an entry about six times to understand it - frankly, I just haven't the time), I felt I might write this lovely little half way diary to entertain myself while my naff parents are having a bit off a dance while being drunk. Oh, dear. You Americans don't know what naff means, do you?  
  
But, because we love our American brethren, oh-so-much, we'll rag on the Europeans now for the sake of diplomacy (wouldn't want any rabid Americans pouncing on me, now would we?). So.... do you know what a wash cloth is? Apparently it is a shrunken towel that our friends across the pond use to wash their faces and whatnot. It seems a little pointless, but might come in handy when one has a spot forming on your face and you've got to scrub at it. Loo rolls just won't do the job.  
  
So, I've said my piece. Having a good time yet?  
  
Love you bunches!  
  
Georgia 


	2. Bloody Snow Plows

****

Monday, November 22

In my bedroom

12:30pm

Blimey O'Reilly's trousers! It snowed last night! This is fabbity-fab-fab-fab! No school, no school, lalalalala!

****

12:35 pm

Triple poo and double _merde_. I can't get to town cause of the snow. Nothing to do - and I am NOT calling Radio Jas. 

****

1:32 pm

Vati's just began yelling something. I'm afraid he's a bit schizophrenic seeing as I'm the only one home and am upstairs avoiding him.

****

1:35 pm

Oh, he's on the phone. I think I'll have a look-see of what he's doing...

****

1:37 pm

Hahahahaha!

Oh wonderfulosity!

Vati was talking on the phone to the vet. Turns out that Angus savaged the vet once he got out of the cage. In all the hubbub at the Emergency Room, he didn't have a chance to remove Angus'... er... "manliness".

Hahahahaha!

So Angus might have gotten to his little sex kitten after all! What a laugh. I can see that little show cat having nine-ton kittens.

Whoa. I better stop there because you know how visual I am.

STOP IT BRAIN!! 

****

Tuesday, November 23

German

10:15 am

Back at Stalag 14. Bloody snow plows.

****

R.E.

11:20 am

Today in gym we had to run a mile. I was almost knocked out by my nunga-nungas. I do hope they stop growing soon, cause this is getting ridiculous. The next thing you know, I won't need a tray at lunches. I'll be like my... _mother_. Well, at least I'll be marrying a Sex God instead of my Vati.

****

Still R.E.

11:25 am

But how can I marry the SG if I've just snogged Dave the Laugh? I've heard in some countries husbands can have more than one wife. Maybe wives can have more than one husband....

Miss. Wilson is still rambling on about China for some god-awful reason. Does she really think we listen? Anyway, why are we talking about China in RE? Aren't we supposed to be learning some deeper devotion to whatever god we may or may not serve? Maybe I'll ask her about my multi - husband theory.

"Miss. Wilson?" Jas and Rosie stared at me. I was asking a, a, a... QUESTION in class!

"Yes, Georgia?" She replied, turning her scary little face towards me. I swear her ancestors must be half-ferrets or something, because she has a strange likeness to Ellen's brother's one named Chloe.

"Well, I was wondering if it would be okay to have more than one husband in England... or would I have to go to the country or something?"

"Georgia, that is a wonderful question. I'm afraid we've run out of time to discus it, but if you'd like to step into my office at the end of class..." Then she raised her eyebrows at me. I think she was trying to be seductive. I think she's a lezzie. I think..... SHE WAS HITTING ON ME!! Do my nunga-nungas attract freaks and weirdos and the occasional Sex God, or something?

****

Break

Sitting on the radiators with the Ace Gang. Wet Lindsay is sick and nobody but her checks the upper floors of the science wing. I've been thinking about...

ARGH! I just saw Jas trying to look over my sholder again to see what I'm writing. There are some things that really shouldn't be shared except when your little sister breaks into your room. Even then, I normally manage to rip the diary from Libby's hands before she can pee on it. I think I'll give her something to look at.....

Oh, I can't WAIT to get into the showers with Miss. Stamp again tomorrow. It's like she undresses you with her eyes... except that you're already naked.

Jas' eyes just went really wide. She looked at me out of the corner of her eye, and I winked sexily for her benefit. She moved away from me on the radiator.

****

4:15 pm.

In my bedroom

Jas rang.

"It's me"

"Oh, hi Jas."

"I was erm... just wondering if... ah...ya see, well... since you er... um..."

"Spit it out!" I said with, I believe, great dignity.

"Areyoualesbian?" She said in a rush.

I rolled my tongue and said, "How about you come over here and I'll tell you."

She hung up.

A/N: sorry about the short chapter and the cliffhanger. I hope you like it and review!


	3. Furry Creatures

****

Saturday, November 27th

4:39 am

Woke up to Libby screaming. Apparently, I was suffocating Scuba Diving Barbie. Libby has gone back to sleep and is chewing on one of Barbie's oxygen tanks. Besides that, all is normal in the communal sleeping quarters of Georgia Nicolson - my bed has been made into a toy chest, Angus is sleeping on my feet and I therefore can't feel them, and... Eurg! I think Libby has wet herself.

****

4:45 am

Dragged Libby out of bed. Turned out she didn't wet herself... I have the painters in. Buddha help us.

****

12:00 pm

Once I woke up and finished the normal prerec-a-whatsits you have to do before you can go out (putting on lippy, of course, included), I decided to go out for a bit of fresh air. It was a bit chilly, but all in all a very nice day. Threw rocks at Jas' window to get her to come outside. She looked out and snapped shut the drapes.

Jas has been a bit skirty around me ever since I pretended I was a lesbian. She seems to think I was leading her on... which I was. But I don't see why she's taken offence! After all, I led Dave the L. on for quite a while, and she didn't find anything wrong with that.

****

In the kitchen

3:02 pm

Mutti and Vatti have called a "family meeting", a simple torture device they use to try and twist me to their evil ways.

It seems they want to go for a walk in the park since it's such "a beautiful day", as Mutti said. Then Vatti added, "Anyway, you shouldn't mope around in your bloody bedroom all day." I informed them that there was a slight chill in the air, and I didn't want to catch pneumonia. I have very delicate health, after all. A bit of screaming went on after that, but I couldn't concentrate on what my Vatti was going on about when that little fuzzy caterpillar like thing over his lip kept bouncing up and down.

After he had turned himself blue with some pointless little rant, Vatti sat there huffing like a huffing beasty-type thing. I told him he should look in the mirror because he obviously hadn't showered properly and there was a growth on his chin. He nearly popped like that blue girl in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", but I whisked my self away before he could go off again.

****

In my bedroom, hiding from my so-called parents

3:10

Luckily, the parental-units decided that they would go for a run around the block without me. They seemed to think I was being grumpy and boring. Why wouldn't I want to go on a mad run with a fat bloke and a crazy woman with a bigger chest than me? I mean, what a treat I was missing out on!

Rang Jas, remembering that her caller ID was broken, and she would have to pick up.

"Hey, Jas, old mate!"

"Georgia? What do _you_ want?"

"Well, I was wondering if you might want to go for a walk in the park with me...?" It really was a lovely day, but I could let my so-called parents know that I agreed with them.

"How do I know you won't jump me and rape me?"

Honestly. Anyway, with my strange magnetic bassomas, she might be the one to jump me.

"I promise I won't rape you, Jas."

"Really? Because if you're still searching for your gender, I don't want to get in the way."

I hit my head against the wall... hard. Oww...

"Jas, it was a joke."

"No, no, I saw what you wrote about Miss. Stamp and..."

She really is thick. I let her natter for a bit, but when I couldn't feel my ear anymore...

"Jas?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut. Up."

"Bu... but-"

"No, no, no! Shut. Up. Jas."

"Fine."

There was silence on the line.

"Jas?"

"What? I'm trying to shut up!" 

__

Sacredam. "Good bye, Jas." I hung up and went to get some ice for my head. Why do I even try? It's a proven fact that Jas has no brain. Come on, now - she talks about produce.

****

4:20 pm

I went into the bathroom and had quite a fright. My eyebrows must have grown three meters! It looks like I've got a small animal sleeping on my forehead - kind of the opposite of my vatti. I've got some major plucking to do.

Where did I put Mutti's pluckers again?

****

4:50 pm

Libby had them. She was plucking out Angus' fur! Why does he let her do anything she wants to him? Yesterday, I took "his" toy (_my _socks) before he was finished savaging it, and he nearly ripped my arm off!

Anyway, I confiscated the pluckers and gave Libby Mutti's lingerie to play with.

A/N: Sorry - again - for the short chapter. More coming... maybe soon? ^_^ Review, daaaah-lings, review!

****


	4. Operation Christmas Stocking

A/N: Inspiration takes too long, so I'm just going to go ahead without it.

Thursday, December 1st

After School

I called a meeting at the coffeehouse. While we all sat around with our hamster to lips to prevent unsightly cream mustaches, I inspired the Ace Gang with my brilliance.

"I have figured out how to wear our berets. This way is really the best of all of the one's we've tried so far." I made them wait. There was a suspenseful moment before Jas ruined it by sipping at her coffee. Rosie hit her over the head for me.

"Aren't you listening? This is of the most fabbity-fab nature and importance!" I scolded. She snorted and said, "I am not wearing my gloves on my head again. We nearly got expelled last time. I don't think we should-"

"Jas, Jas, Jas. How many times must I tell you? Miss. Huge-knickers is just testing us, see? She wants to see how far our creativity will reach!" I admit I said the last word with a flourish and spilled Jules' drink. Oh well, all in the name of science. "Anyway, moving on. We use them as stockings!" There was silence. Obviously, they were all struck speechless by my genius. I plunged on.

"We use some tacks to stick them to the front of our desks. Every day we bring in little candies and toys and such and fill our berets." Looks of understanding brightened all but Jas's face. She is almost as thick as those cantaloupe skins she's always raving about. I sighed. The things I do for my friends....

"Jas? Jassy poo?" I pursed my lips as though I was drinking the coffee and held her face in my hands.

"Ah din git it," she replied through her squished cheeks. "Git ouf meh!"

I released her face and explained very slowly, keeping eye contact, "You." I pointed at her. "Take the beret." I mimed taking of the hat. "And pin it on your desk." I took the invisible beret and pinned it to the side of the table. By this time, the rest of the crew was not trying very hard to hide their laughter. Jas looked quite perturbed.

"I don't mean that!" She pouted. "I mean how does that help us with the wearing of them?"

"That's obvious, isn't it?" I pointed out. "We decorate them like Christmas stockings."

"Bril, Gee!" Rosie giggled, still laughing at Jas's expression. Ah, finally the credit I'm due.

Saturday, December 3rd

It has been decided that I do not have the proper lippy or spot concealer for any normal girl. After all, one runs through it rather quickly when one has two boys going after her. Either way, V won't give me even a pence, so I've decided to go after M. She's less of a stick-in-the-mud than dear father.

"What?"

"A wonderful way to start a conversation with your beloved daughter, Mutti."

"Look Georgia, I'm busy right now. If you could come back at another time, as I'm sure what you want is not so life threatening as you say it is."

"I need new make-up!" She didn't look convinced. "Oh, Mum, look at this spot! Right on my nose and all funny and red! It makes my nose look bigger than usual!" I really do have a huge nose. Perhaps with two husbands I can pull in enough cash for plastic surgery.

She glanced at my (stupid, big fat) nose and said, "Georgie, you wouldn't be making such a big deal of it if you were more confident, like a film star or a princess."

"Yes, well, if I was a princess I could have it named Zoë and get it crowned as a duke or something because it's big enough to run its own kingdom! If I was a princess, I also wouldn't have to deal with school and I'd have a lock on my door, but that's besides the point." I gave her a meaningful look

"Fine then, take yourself and Zoë to your room and tidy it, because you've already spent your pocket money for the week and you are not getting anymore."

"If I didn't live in such a stressful environment of a broken home, I bet I wouldn't get so many spots!" And with that I calmly walked to my room and did some wild dancing to my music, ignoring the requests to turn it down. When V finally came up and began yelling, I told him that all the people shouting at me had made me partially deaf and I couldn't hear the music any lower. Then he pulled the cord out of the wall and stormed away. How immature.

Monday, December 5th

First day of Operation Christmas Stocking

We all showed up to school with bits and bobs on our hats. Jules had tinsel and other ornament thingys and Ellen had stuck on some candies. Jas showed up with a boring little pom-pom at the back, claiming to be Father Christmas or an elf or somemat. I, however, was decked out to the extreme. With my fantabulous idea came amazing results. I had printed out a few pictures of downright good-looking blokes and colored little Christmas hats on them. Marvy, I say! Marvy!

break

Oh, what a fantastic day it is. Hawkeye gave us all looks when she caught us with ornamentation on our heads, but it was me she brought the iron fist down on.

"Now Georgia, I thought I had made it clear that if there was anymore—" cue evil death-glare "—tomfoolery that you would have to answer for it."

"Oh, but I was just getting in the holiday spirit, you know. Good will and all that." I am such a martyr and my friends should be happy I love them. While I was soothing the raging beast, they legged it.

My favourite woman in the world practically growled at me. I've got to go to her office this afternoon. The whole world's come to bollocks.

r.e.

Mabs has just handed me a note with a little gravestone on it saying, "Here lies Georgia". She really knows how to cheer a girl up.

after what I call torture, but others call school

I'm all set to go in. Hawkeye can't keep me down.

Who can say 'no' to a girl who has got fit boys on her beret?

5:00 pm

She obviously can.

5:04 pm

I can not believe this! She is punishing me for 'my horrible conduct', as she says, by making me join band! It's not fair!

later

Bloody funny, though.


End file.
